Today I decided to kill the other me. It hurts. The other me is the real me. I sometimes think to myself – How many of me reside within this one existence? The answer comes easily enough. There are two distinct me’s inside of me. One, my true self. Childlike, naive and innocent. A 6 year old kid with dreams of changing the world for the better. A kid who never grew up.Refusing stubbornly to not let himself get corrupted by the ways of this world and the people it hosts.
The second one, an image I’ve developed for myself over the past year and a half to help give some amount of truth to the people who’ve spoken ill about me without knowing me at all. It’s easier to build a bad reputation for myself and live upto the title of -an alcoholic, an addict and the worst human being on this planet. I realized my true self has no place in a world such as this.
I sometimes wish that I wasn’t existing in the first place. Then I wouldn’t feel this endless pain. “Nice guys always finish last” – There is a certain amount of truth to that saying. Being my true self has yielded nothing but pain and misery for me. I just got spit on, stepped on, pissed on, fucked with and pointed at and judged by people who don’t even know me. I need to kill my true self for I fear that if I don’t, my whole life will just be a free fall into a bottomless pit. An endless fall into the arms of sorrow and sadness. An embrace towards constant depression. Things I want to really say to a person I love and value usually get lost in transition. I need my fake facade to survive. I need my addictions to keep myself numb, sane and painless. But, if I kill my true self, then my whole life from this point on will just be a lie. Is it worth it? Is the constant pain going to end when I do this? Or will it just amplify my negative emotions to new heights? What sort of a life is this going to yield for me? A quicker pace towards death is the answer. And that I feel, is fine with me.
I’ve killed my true self today. I’ve silenced the kid with the raw innocent emotions. The kid who wants to change the world. And the way forward from here on will just be a fake facade in an empty vessel. Hoping for peace in death and dredging through this life one day at a time. Listening to the instincts of my true self only when i’m vulnerable and it is absolutely crucial.
Tell me now, my dearest and oldest friends Pain and Death, when will you set me free from your tortured realm?
When will you let this little kid be?
My first book ‘Naked Mind’ is now available via Amazon Kindle! 🙂
Follow the link to buy the digital version –
The far more aesthetic paperbacks will be made available in a few months!
Seven years of writing, four years of taking it seriously and trying finish the book, one year of losing all hope and giving up on it only to be led back into writing two years ago by a good friend of mine. The path has been long.
This book is dedicated to a mentor, a close friend and a rock ‘n roll elder brother figure of mine who ceased to be one among the living four years ago. How I wish I could’ve taken the time to notice what he was going through and help him out of his misery instead of being too power-drunk with the local fame I was gaining as a musician at the time. Having noticed that something was amiss all too late, there’s not a single day that goes by where I wish I could turn back time and help him out of his addiction and change things. In one of our final conversations the young man told me that my mind had the potential to change the way people perceived everything around them, said I had a mind capable of changing the world for the better through my music and writing.
This book is also dedicated to my late pup Leo who was taken away from us all too soon in a freak accident. Those harrowing years would have been tough to bear without his presence.
Having finished my first book now, it’s time to start working on my first album as a solo guitarist through Bright. A release for a single has been planned out, following which the shooting for my first official music video will commence. No rest for the living! After all, there once lived a soul who believed that I could change the world. I can rest when I’m dead! Thank you for your time!Have a great day! 🙂
“I have drunk the yearning,
Swallowed the flame in full,
And now I will bend the skies to my will.
Two eternities can never be so far apart,
That I could not bridge them together” – Revelation, Niilo Sevänen
I dream of ghosts
Long dead and gone
Into death forlorn
I hear voices
Whispering of a mystery
Unseen and lifeless
From my life’s unsung history
Spirits of the past bright
Fly above me all the time
Making me write
Sad songs with a melancholic rhyme
They ask me to sway
This way and that
Forget your pain
And embrace Death
A life less lived
Trapped in a cage of guilt
A lifeless one lived
Upon a throne of shame built
Surrender to us
These distant voices say
Be with us in peace
And in silence hold sway