Today I decided to kill the other me. It hurts. The other me is the real me. I sometimes think to myself – How many of me reside within this one existence? The answer comes easily enough. There are two distinct me’s inside of me. One, my true self. Childlike, naive and innocent. A 6 year old kid with dreams of changing the world for the better. A kid who never grew up.Refusing stubbornly to not let himself get corrupted by the ways of this world and the people it hosts.
The second one, an image I’ve developed for myself over the past year and a half to help give some amount of truth to the people who’ve spoken ill about me without knowing me at all. It’s easier to build a bad reputation for myself and live upto the title of -an alcoholic, an addict and the worst human being on this planet. I realized my true self has no place in a world such as this.
I sometimes wish that I wasn’t existing in the first place. Then I wouldn’t feel this endless pain. “Nice guys always finish last” – There is a certain amount of truth to that saying. Being my true self has yielded nothing but pain and misery for me. I just got spit on, stepped on, pissed on, fucked with and pointed at and judged by people who don’t even know me. I need to kill my true self for I fear that if I don’t, my whole life will just be a free fall into a bottomless pit. An endless fall into the arms of sorrow and sadness. An embrace towards constant depression. Things I want to really say to a person I love and value usually get lost in transition. I need my fake facade to survive. I need my addictions to keep myself numb, sane and painless. But, if I kill my true self, then my whole life from this point on will just be a lie. Is it worth it? Is the constant pain going to end when I do this? Or will it just amplify my negative emotions to new heights? What sort of a life is this going to yield for me? A quicker pace towards death is the answer. And that I feel, is fine with me.
I’ve killed my true self today. I’ve silenced the kid with the raw innocent emotions. The kid who wants to change the world. And the way forward from here on will just be a fake facade in an empty vessel. Hoping for peace in death and dredging through this life one day at a time. Listening to the instincts of my true self only when i’m vulnerable and it is absolutely crucial.
Tell me now, my dearest and oldest friends Pain and Death, when will you set me free from your tortured realm?
When will you let this little kid be?