Digital Art/Architecture + Environment Generation.
This is an article/short story written from the point of view of a sufferer of mental disorders in an attempt to create awareness about depression, insomnia,split personality, paranoia, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder and various other classifications.
“Hello. I’m writing this because I’m unable to organise my thoughts on the go and only because you really want to know what happens inside my head, instead of trying to predict my state of mind. I understand why you want to know, I mean no one is capable of predicting anybody’s state of mind. If it is of any comfort to you, for me to tell you what happens in my head, then I will. How you take it is not in my hands. I’m not too sure how I can explain it, but I will do my best.
On a regular day
I wake up. It’s morning. The first thoughts that usually come to my head are – “I haven’t died yet?/ Why am I still alive?/ Should I leave everything and go?/ Why am I like this?/ I hate myself/ I need to kill myself/ What good am I?/ What good is my existence to anyone?” (I’m going to name this T1).
And then I get out of my bed exhausted. Even after a good night’s sleep. I need a smoke. Somewhere in the back of my head- “I need death” gets repeated until I put on some music to distract myself. I then get out and remember everything. Everything. All of it. All. Of. It. I’m filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I lose track of music and “T1” repeats again until I finish my smoke. Then I think about my day. I tell myself that I need to be with you through the day and mentally prepare myself for it, thinking to myself that I need to stay focused. Reminding myself that I need to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. T2 – “I love you a lot/You make me happy/You need me/ We are happy/ I really hope we make this work/I need to take care of you”. There’s a huge conflict of thoughts and emotions by this time. Everything inside shuts down and I feel nothing. One hour of my waking day.
I get back. Breakfast is ready. Food. I’m unable to stand the sight of it. Everybody’s rushing to get ready and leave. T3-“Always invisible to them/No one cares/I’m tired/I need sleep”. I’m asked something, I don’t know what it is because I’m unable to pay attention. Answer is an autopilot nod. “T1”. I get out again. Back to smoke. Except with a vehicle this time. A quicker pace towards Death. “T3” and “T1” on loop. I get back. I’m late. Get ready. Autopilot. Eat a bit. Leave.
Nothing. No emotions. No thoughts. Autopilot. Converse. Smile. Fit in. Listen to you whenever we talk. Respond. Smile. Act the fool to see you smile as well. “T1” and “T2” on loop. Inner conflict after awhile. Everything shuts down again. Tired.
End of the day
Talk to you. Listen. Respond. Smile, try making you smile with me. “T1” and “T2”.
Get back to my sacred place. “T1”. “T3”. Loop.
Home-“T1” and “T3”. Look at my guitar, all of my books and my bed.T4-“Why am I not feeling anything?/I’m exhausted/I need help”.
Out to drink
Finally. A release. Happy amongst whoever is there to drink with me. First half hour-“T3” sets in. Next twenty minutes – “T4”. Keep smiling, paying attention,reacting and responding. Next half hour. Another emotional conflict. Everything inside shuts down. I excuse myself. Look at myself in the mirror. “Get back to normal. Fit in. Fit in”. I repeat this to myself in the mirror until I do calm down. I wash my face and look at myself again. “T3” and “T1”. Get out. Autopilot. If I’m with you then it’s “T2” and “T3”. Sometimes “T4” or “T1”. Alone in a crowded room filled with friends and familiar faces.
In an argument
Prove I’m right. Initially “T2”, “T4” and then “T3”. Prove I’m not wrong. All thoughts get mixed up. Muddled up. Messed up. I don’t know what to say. Anger. Disdain. Sorrow. Pain. T2. Respond. T2. Respond. “T4”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T2” and “T1”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T4” and “T3”. Focus. “T2”. Detach. Autopilot. T2,T4,T3,T1 and T0. All of it. Feel it. Lapse again into the ways of misery. Detach.
Back at home
“T1”. Dinner. Sleep.
“T0”- “Make a change, kill yourself/Find a way to detach from everybody/ Death”. T0 on loop till I fall asleep.
“Where are my pills? Where is the white one? Where is the pink one? Whatever happened to the green one? Where are all of you hiding?”
Fleeting shadows. Subliminal whispers. Visual and auditory hallucinations. Fear.
“What’s that sound? Is anybody there?! Come out! Fuck. Where are the tiny angels who keep me sane?”
“I need a refill.”
This is how it is in my head every waking moment. Even when I’m smiling at you or laughing with you I’m still thinking about Death. Suicide. Hate. Misery. Sorrow. Pain. I haven’t been able to describe it exactly as it happens in my head. You wanted to know how it was inside my head and I have tried my best to put them into words. The repetitions for “T1″,”T3” and “T4″ are far higher than what I’ve mentioned. I have never tried explaining how it is inside my head and this is the first time I have. But I will from now on atleast, never tell you I’m messed up. Apparently suffering from various mental health disorders is not an excuse. I will remember that until the day I die. It is sad. The free-er I feel around you, the more I open up to you. The more I trust you. Only to end up feeling like I’ll drag you into this mess. And then, you’ll resent me. Guess I really can’t be without my mask with anyone. I will be as I was with you before you got to know me. That way atleast, you’ll be happy.”
“It’s never too late to listen,
To hidden tears that glisten”
Hello! 😄 My first book “Naked Mind” just went international! 7 months after the digital copy was released via Amazon Kindle, it’s a thrilling experience to be informed that the paperback version is now available for order worldwide!
Follow these links to order your copy. For those of you who are in –
Denmark – https://www.amazon.de/dp/154967630X
France – https://www.amazon.fr/dp/154967630X
Japan – https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/154967630X
Thank you all for your constant support in all of my endeavors! Have a nice day! Cheers! 😇🖖🏻
Since most of you following me here from the last couple of weeks are new, here is small story about me and of how “Bright” came to be.
At the age of 18, I started of as a vocalist for a Metalcore band called “Demise of Deceased” in the year 2010. As a band we focused majorly on writing music that described the life and times of soldiers in the army and at war.
Having felt that pure vocals was not my thing, I then proceeded to learn how to play the guitar and eventually started playing for a Heavy metal band called “Black Peter”, followed by “Chaotic Serenity”. “Chaotic Serenity” was a Thrash metal band, whose material was majorly inspired by the work of metal giants like Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Slayer and Pantera. I performed with them till 2012. Towards the end of my time with them, I felt the style of music I was playing wasn’t extreme enough for me and quit the band.
I formed the Black metal band “Anti” with other like-minded musicians keen on writing aggressive material as a vocalist, guitarist and lyricist from the year 2012. The band remains active till date. With “Anti” we’ve had the opportunity of performing as a part of the highly reputed “Bangalore Open Air” metal festival in India in the year 2015. During my time with “Anti”, we released one demo album – “A Dark And Shattered Soul” and one raw full-length album – “Anti-Theist”.
In the year 2013, bored with the one-dimensional approach my writing had turned into due to genre constraints, I ventured into the instrumental music territory with “Bright”, hoping to explore and express the multitude of emotions experienced by a human being through music alone. I made it a point to record and release the guitar based instrumentals myself as my aim was to be unrestricted and have overall control over which direction my songs would take. The solo guitar instrumental work I’ve done in “Bright” has resulted in a lot of great opportunities and new experiences. In the month of May, 2016, after 3 years of composing instrumental tracks,”Bright” was shortlisted as one of the top artists of the country by Hard Rock Cafe, India for their international event “Hard Rock Rising”, in which the top artists of the country in which every Hard Rock Cafe is present are given an opportunity to perform at Hard Rock Cafe with other top notch artists from around the country.
Through the years I have persevered with my life in music relentlessly. I now have enough material for a full-fledged album, tracking and recording of which has commenced. The musical direction i’ll be taking with these tracks will be very new for me and I hope to evolve more as a musician through the process.
Most people ask me why “Bright” is purely instrumental, having stated that in today’s world instrumental music is majorly a non-lucrative dead end street. And my reply to that is –
I write instrumental music because I can connect with people without the use of words making the experience that much more powerful. I believe music transcends language. My goal is to make the listener think – “Hmm, I think and feel like this sometimes too”
For those amongst you who are curious about what I do, follow the links below to check out my attempts at living my dream! Thank you all for your consistent support and encouragement. Cheers!
Facebook – https://m.facebook.com/insidethewhitelight/
SoundCloud – https://www.soundcloud.com/preetam-sp
Reverbnation – https://www.reverbnation.com/bright7
Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/preetamsp/?hl=en
Twitter – https://www.twitter.com/heavymetalpree
YouTube – https://m.youtube.com/user/666Pree
So far, so good… So what! Cheers! 🙂
A living fee
Please don’t tread the path of lunacy
Why does the cold still linger on?
Mistress Death and Father Life
In tales as old as time itself
It is said that ever so often
These beings of emotion give birth to a child
A child of Pain
A Prince of Pain
The Prince of Pain
Mistress Death’s Herald, the black-clad
Reaper with a scythe on Pain’s left,
And Father Life’s bright white light
On his right
The young child experiences both
Life and Death simultaneously
With the being on his left
Waiting to bestow upon him
The final kiss of death
A final kiss
The final kiss
And the light on his right
Asking him to
That was once given to him
A child who feels
Both Death and Life
A child who floats
Perpetually caught in the throes of duality
Today I decided to kill the other me. It hurts. The other me is the real me. I sometimes think to myself – How many of me reside within this one existence? The answer comes easily enough. There are two distinct me’s inside of me. One, my true self. Childlike, naive and innocent. A 6 year old kid with dreams of changing the world for the better. A kid who never grew up.Refusing stubbornly to not let himself get corrupted by the ways of this world and the people it hosts.
The second one, an image I’ve developed for myself over the past year and a half to help give some amount of truth to the people who’ve spoken ill about me without knowing me at all. It’s easier to build a bad reputation for myself and live upto the title of -an alcoholic, an addict and the worst human being on this planet. I realized my true self has no place in a world such as this.
I sometimes wish that I wasn’t existing in the first place. Then I wouldn’t feel this endless pain. “Nice guys always finish last” – There is a certain amount of truth to that saying. Being my true self has yielded nothing but pain and misery for me. I just got spit on, stepped on, pissed on, fucked with and pointed at and judged by people who don’t even know me. I need to kill my true self for I fear that if I don’t, my whole life will just be a free fall into a bottomless pit. An endless fall into the arms of sorrow and sadness. An embrace towards constant depression. Things I want to really say to a person I love and value usually get lost in transition. I need my fake facade to survive. I need my addictions to keep myself numb, sane and painless. But, if I kill my true self, then my whole life from this point on will just be a lie. Is it worth it? Is the constant pain going to end when I do this? Or will it just amplify my negative emotions to new heights? What sort of a life is this going to yield for me? A quicker pace towards death is the answer. And that I feel, is fine with me.
I’ve killed my true self today. I’ve silenced the kid with the raw innocent emotions. The kid who wants to change the world. And the way forward from here on will just be a fake facade in an empty vessel. Hoping for peace in death and dredging through this life one day at a time. Listening to the instincts of my true self only when i’m vulnerable and it is absolutely crucial.
Tell me now, my dearest and oldest friends Pain and Death, when will you set me free from your tortured realm?
When will you let this little kid be?
My first book ‘Naked Mind’ is now available via Amazon Kindle! 🙂
Follow the link to buy the digital version –
The far more aesthetic paperbacks will be made available in a few months!
Seven years of writing, four years of taking it seriously and trying finish the book, one year of losing all hope and giving up on it only to be led back into writing two years ago by a good friend of mine. The path has been long.
This book is dedicated to a mentor, a close friend and a rock ‘n roll elder brother figure of mine who ceased to be one among the living four years ago. How I wish I could’ve taken the time to notice what he was going through and help him out of his misery instead of being too power-drunk with the local fame I was gaining as a musician at the time. Having noticed that something was amiss all too late, there’s not a single day that goes by where I wish I could turn back time and help him out of his addiction and change things. In one of our final conversations the young man told me that my mind had the potential to change the way people perceived everything around them, said I had a mind capable of changing the world for the better through my music and writing.
This book is also dedicated to my late pup Leo who was taken away from us all too soon in a freak accident. Those harrowing years would have been tough to bear without his presence.
Having finished my first book now, it’s time to start working on my first album as a solo guitarist through Bright. A release for a single has been planned out, following which the shooting for my first official music video will commence. No rest for the living! After all, there once lived a soul who believed that I could change the world. I can rest when I’m dead! Thank you for your time!Have a great day! 🙂
“I have drunk the yearning,
Swallowed the flame in full,
And now I will bend the skies to my will.
Two eternities can never be so far apart,
That I could not bridge them together” – Revelation, Niilo Sevänen
As I fall deeper into the depths of my mind,
I find there is a lapse in all things kind
Free spirit is what you think you are,
But you are bound by the clock that keeps the hour
Always forced to pursue vacant happiness,
Forced to conform with this society’s madness
No,this is not the way I want to be,
I would rather die than in your world be free,
For you see,there is nothing but pain and misery,
In my mind,where the demons of the past run free
Lost within and stuck inside this loop of insanity,
I wont be force fed your version of clarity,
I will find my way through this psychotic reality,
And fly away free from the pull of your complacent gravity
I refuse to be a part of your lack of understanding,
I refuse to contribute to the lies that led to my maddening,
I will travel beyond and find the truth though it is saddening,
I would rather die than succumb to your system’s demanding
I’m caught in this loop of insanity,
Searching for a vision with no clarity,
Unsuccumbing to society’s lucid conformity,
I will find my way through your mundane reality
Far above and beyond,but within,
In a pale land without honour or sin,
Insanity to me is as close as blood-kin,
A freind against whom I cannot fathom to win
Far away from your world of fantasy,
I’m caught in this loop of insanity,
Coming to grip with this world’s reality,
Always searching for a vision with no clarity
I had a weird dream today. So weird. It was just me and another person. We were in some fancy apartment. I don’t know whose because I’ve never seen it before myself. So I was sitting on the sofa and the person was on the balcony. We did not speak a single word with each other. But we just stared into each others eyes without saying a word. We exchanged thoughts and experiences like this for what seemed like an eternity. The persons eyes started to swell up with tears when I exposed my emotions. I could only look and do nothing. Both of us just stared into each others eyes the whole time. No words were ever spoken.
Am I Pain?
Is the person Death?
Am I painfully ascending?
Or am I painlessly descending?
Am I flying?
Or am I falling?