Slaughter

In a war torn life

We’re all alone

Pain and sorrow

Is all we’ve ever known
So we grabbed a knife

To get it done

They promised us

That it’d be fun
Brother,sister

Mother,father

All of fucking life’s creator

They asked of us to slaughter
Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!
Why is it that we go to war?

Is a peaceful reality really so far?
We were asked to go with non-partial fists

To be devoid and feel nothing like nihilist

To break all our bonds and forget our pain

To wash ourselves in an endless bloodied rain
Brother,sister

Mother,father

All of fucking life’s creator

They asked of us to slaughter
Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!
Why is it that we still go to war?

Is a peaceful reality really so far?

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Inner Assassins

This is an article/short story written from the point of view of a sufferer of mental disorders in an attempt to create awareness about depression, insomnia,split personality, paranoia, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder and various other classifications.

“Hello. I’m writing this because I’m unable to organise my thoughts on the go and only because you really want to know what happens inside my head, instead of trying to predict my state of mind. I understand why you want to know, I mean no one is capable of predicting anybody’s state of mind. If it is of any comfort to you, for me to tell you what happens in my head, then I will. How you take it is not in my hands. I’m not too sure how I can explain it, but I will do my best.

On a regular day

I wake up. It’s morning. The first thoughts that usually come to my head are – “I haven’t died yet?/ Why am I still alive?/ Should I leave everything and go?/ Why am I like this?/ I hate myself/ I need to kill myself/ What good am I?/ What good is my existence to anyone?” (I’m going to name this T1). 

And then I get out of my bed exhausted. Even after a good night’s sleep. I need a smoke. Somewhere in the back of my head- “I need death” gets repeated until I put on some music to distract myself. I then get out and remember everything. Everything. All of it. All. Of. It. I’m filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I lose track of music and “T1” repeats again until I finish my smoke. Then I think about my day. I tell myself that I need to be with you through the day and mentally prepare myself for it, thinking to myself that I need to stay focused. Reminding myself that I need to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. T2 – “I love you a lot/You make me happy/You need me/ We are happy/ I really hope we make this work/I need to take care of you”. There’s a huge conflict of thoughts and emotions by this time. Everything inside shuts down and I feel nothing. One hour of my waking day.

I get back. Breakfast is ready. Food. I’m unable to stand the sight of it. Everybody’s rushing to get ready and leave. T3-“Always invisible to them/No one cares/I’m tired/I need sleep”. I’m asked something, I don’t know what it is because I’m unable to pay attention. Answer is an autopilot nod. “T1”. I get out again. Back to smoke. Except with a vehicle this time. A quicker pace towards Death. “T3” and “T1” on loop. I get back. I’m late. Get ready. Autopilot. Eat a bit. Leave.


At work

Nothing. No emotions. No thoughts. Autopilot. Converse. Smile. Fit in. Listen to you whenever we talk. Respond. Smile. Act the fool to see you smile as well. “T1” and “T2” on loop. Inner conflict after awhile. Everything shuts down again. Tired.

End of the day

Talk to you. Listen. Respond. Smile, try making you smile with me. “T1” and “T2”.
Get back to my sacred place. “T1”. “T3”. Loop.
Home-“T1” and “T3”. Look at my guitar, all of my books and my bed.T4-“Why am I not feeling anything?/I’m exhausted/I need help”.

Out to drink

Finally. A release. Happy amongst whoever is there to drink with me. First half hour-“T3” sets in. Next twenty minutes – “T4”. Keep smiling, paying attention,reacting and responding. Next half hour. Another emotional conflict. Everything inside shuts down. I excuse myself. Look at myself in the mirror. “Get back to normal. Fit in. Fit in”. I repeat this to myself in the mirror until I do calm down. I wash my face and look at myself again. “T3” and “T1”. Get out. Autopilot. If I’m with you then it’s “T2” and “T3”. Sometimes “T4” or “T1”. Alone in a crowded room filled with friends and familiar faces.

In an argument

Prove I’m right. Initially “T2”, “T4” and then “T3”. Prove I’m not wrong. All thoughts get mixed up. Muddled up. Messed up. I don’t know what to say. Anger. Disdain. Sorrow. Pain. T2. Respond. T2. Respond. “T4”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T2” and “T1”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T4” and “T3”. Focus. “T2”. Detach. Autopilot. T2,T4,T3,T1 and T0. All of it. Feel it. Lapse again into the ways of misery. Detach.

Back at home

“T1”. Dinner. Sleep.
“T0”- “Make a change, kill yourself/Find a way to detach from everybody/ Death”. T0 on loop till I fall asleep.

“Where are my pills? Where is the white one? Where is the pink one? Whatever happened to the green one? Where are all of you hiding?”

Fleeting shadows. Subliminal whispers. Visual and auditory hallucinations. Fear.

“What’s that sound? Is anybody there?! Come out! Fuck. Where are the tiny angels who keep me sane?”

“I need a refill.”

This is how it is in my head every waking moment. Even when I’m smiling at you or laughing with you I’m still thinking about Death. Suicide. Hate. Misery. Sorrow. Pain. I haven’t been able to describe it exactly as it happens in my head. You wanted to know how it was inside my head and I have tried my best to put them into words. The repetitions for “T1″,”T3” and “T4″ are far higher than what I’ve mentioned. I have never tried explaining how it is inside my head and this is the first time I have. But I will from now on atleast, never tell you I’m messed up. Apparently suffering from various mental health disorders is not an excuse. I will remember that until the day I die. It is sad. The free-er I feel around you, the more I open up to you. The more I trust you. Only to end up feeling like I’ll drag you into this mess. And then, you’ll resent me. Guess I really can’t be without my mask with anyone. I will be as I was with you before you got to know me. That way atleast, you’ll be happy.”

“It’s never too late to listen,

To hidden tears that glisten”

Sometimes

Sometimes I wake up,

Caught in the delusions of a distant dream

Sometimes I wake up ,

Trying to comprehend why I scream

Other times I am asleep,

Conversing with my dear friend’s Pain and Death

Other times I am asleep,

Choking on my past and gasping for a hopeful breath

Sometimes I wake up,

And look at my vacant face in the mirror

Sometimes I wake up,

And wear a mask to hide my grief and horror

Other times I am asleep,

Looking at this painful life in endless wonder

Other times I am asleep,

Thinking –  Just what was it that tore this life asunder?

Sometimes I wake up,

And I find myself searching for a cure

Sometimes I wake up,

Trying to heal the pain inside and avoid Death’s allure

Other times I am asleep,

Hoping that this would morph into an Endless Sleep

Other times I am asleep,

Both Void and Devoid in Death’s fabled sacred keep

Sometimes I wake up,

Thinking – I should accuse you for my Soul’s theft

Sometimes I wake up,

Crying – Just why was it that you left?

Dead Inside

​So much more to live for,

So much more to hope for,

So much left to cry for,

So much left to die for

This world that I force myself into,

Of which I am a part,

Refuses to entertain the thoughts,

That tear me apart

Cold outside,

Dead Inside

Answer me my friend,

When will I see my end?

How?When?Why? Now?Soon?Later?

A drama for all to see in a theatre?

Pointless living day in and day out,

I stare at you, scream and shout

Cold soul forever monotone and alone,

Staring at you all, unreacting like a stone

Answer me my friend,

When will I see my end?

The world is so cold outside,

I stare at it, dead inside