Words of skill
All truly nill
To feel like you’ve had your fill
Words to kill
Your silly thrill
A pre-planned emotional spill
Mighty this, mighty that
Hoard through gluttony on fat
A cause for your divisive hat
Purge the soul
Purge the whole
Purge the backstabbing mole
Knives in my back
Foresight you lack
Through silence fade to black
Words to be slick
Words to be quick
Attachments resemble a walking stick
Independence
In dependence
I had travelled afar,
Slept under many a star
Through mountains, dungeons and caves,
Freeing dozens of tortured slaves
A true harbinger of peace,
Over all I shall have ruled with ease
In many a battle I had slaughtered and maimed,
For my just brutality over hills I am famed
All who would anger and oppose me,
By the tip of my blade would be set free
Such was my repertoire beyond countless days and starry nights,
Famed as a god I was, fabled and mythical were all my fights
But, today in this world of netherworldly rainbowed colours,
My soul paces with unease, twitching with feral fervours
For what I found in this world upon my arriving,
Intense and surreal was the rising
As I sit alone at dusk and have my first
A black liquid to quench my life’s thirst
I recall an existence filled with nothing but misanthropic void
An incomprehensible scribe to my future husband or bride
Are you now going to get lynched for swinging both ways?
I seem to care eitherway, since existence is a hypocritical haze
Your sexuality has never mattered to my wayward mind for it’s a bore
A formidable intellectual companion is all I have craved for forever more
In a pure relentless pursuit towards a peaceful vision of all my lives
A constant step forward away from all your dripping distrust-laden knives
Dive deep into the first black-red drink of many
A calculative future strategy with dread, uncanny
Behind the first now parched awaits a secondance
Ready to soothe this shoulder of absolute dependence
A welcome calm over the languid flames of my distant detached heart and soul
An Armenian pianist now sings blissfully into the ears of this abandoned black foal
When forever is to be continuous somehow
Eternity is a long time away from until now
As I sit alone late night and down this cure worthy single drink
I teeter and cross the edge of an elusive Niravana’s brink
Tried and pre-tested acceptable methods of being a part
Now prove false under the guidance of your rotten cart
Are you really listening to me my dear loving God
Probably not, you pure imaginary friend of a fraud
I now seek to liberate myself from all your predictable grids
To down this drink and try my best to foresee my life’s skids
As I share bits and pieces from my life’s cup
I keep expecting one of you shits to stand up
Only to be left without any answer
Happiness seems to be life’s cancer
The pursuit of which constantly results in an ever-rain upon your farm
I already know you wish to be set free from all of experience’s harm
Always level with the precious offsprings that you have hurled
Else as misfits they shall wreck havoc upon this superficial world
Await for my shit allegorically misjudged perfect painting – Freely
I now have to leave because I hear the Moonwolf – Seemingly
In a war torn life
We’re all alone
Pain and sorrow
Is all we’ve ever known
So we grabbed a knife
To get it done
They promised us
That it’d be fun
Brother,sister
Mother,father
All of fucking life’s creator
They asked of us to slaughter
Slaughter!
Slaughter!
Slaughter!
Slaughter!
Why is it that we go to war?
Is a peaceful reality really so far?
We were asked to go with non-partial fists
To be devoid and feel nothing like nihilist
To break all our bonds and forget our pain
To wash ourselves in an endless bloodied rain
Brother,sister
Mother,father
All of fucking life’s creator
They asked of us to slaughter
Slaughter!
Slaughter!
Slaughter!
Slaughter!
Why is it that we still go to war?
Is a peaceful reality really so far?
This is an article/short story written from the point of view of a sufferer of mental disorders in an attempt to create awareness about depression, insomnia,split personality, paranoia, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder and various other classifications.
“Hello. I’m writing this because I’m unable to organise my thoughts on the go and only because you really want to know what happens inside my head, instead of trying to predict my state of mind. I understand why you want to know, I mean no one is capable of predicting anybody’s state of mind. If it is of any comfort to you, for me to tell you what happens in my head, then I will. How you take it is not in my hands. I’m not too sure how I can explain it, but I will do my best.
On a regular day
I wake up. It’s morning. The first thoughts that usually come to my head are – “I haven’t died yet?/ Why am I still alive?/ Should I leave everything and go?/ Why am I like this?/ I hate myself/ I need to kill myself/ What good am I?/ What good is my existence to anyone?” (I’m going to name this T1).
And then I get out of my bed exhausted. Even after a good night’s sleep. I need a smoke. Somewhere in the back of my head- “I need death” gets repeated until I put on some music to distract myself. I then get out and remember everything. Everything. All of it. All. Of. It. I’m filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I lose track of music and “T1” repeats again until I finish my smoke. Then I think about my day. I tell myself that I need to be with you through the day and mentally prepare myself for it, thinking to myself that I need to stay focused. Reminding myself that I need to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. T2 – “I love you a lot/You make me happy/You need me/ We are happy/ I really hope we make this work/I need to take care of you”. There’s a huge conflict of thoughts and emotions by this time. Everything inside shuts down and I feel nothing. One hour of my waking day.
I get back. Breakfast is ready. Food. I’m unable to stand the sight of it. Everybody’s rushing to get ready and leave. T3-“Always invisible to them/No one cares/I’m tired/I need sleep”. I’m asked something, I don’t know what it is because I’m unable to pay attention. Answer is an autopilot nod. “T1”. I get out again. Back to smoke. Except with a vehicle this time. A quicker pace towards Death. “T3” and “T1” on loop. I get back. I’m late. Get ready. Autopilot. Eat a bit. Leave.
At work
Nothing. No emotions. No thoughts. Autopilot. Converse. Smile. Fit in. Listen to you whenever we talk. Respond. Smile. Act the fool to see you smile as well. “T1” and “T2” on loop. Inner conflict after awhile. Everything shuts down again. Tired.
End of the day
Talk to you. Listen. Respond. Smile, try making you smile with me. “T1” and “T2”.
Get back to my sacred place. “T1”. “T3”. Loop.
Home-“T1” and “T3”. Look at my guitar, all of my books and my bed.T4-“Why am I not feeling anything?/I’m exhausted/I need help”.
Out to drink
Finally. A release. Happy amongst whoever is there to drink with me. First half hour-“T3” sets in. Next twenty minutes – “T4”. Keep smiling, paying attention,reacting and responding. Next half hour. Another emotional conflict. Everything inside shuts down. I excuse myself. Look at myself in the mirror. “Get back to normal. Fit in. Fit in”. I repeat this to myself in the mirror until I do calm down. I wash my face and look at myself again. “T3” and “T1”. Get out. Autopilot. If I’m with you then it’s “T2” and “T3”. Sometimes “T4” or “T1”. Alone in a crowded room filled with friends and familiar faces.
In an argument
Prove I’m right. Initially “T2”, “T4” and then “T3”. Prove I’m not wrong. All thoughts get mixed up. Muddled up. Messed up. I don’t know what to say. Anger. Disdain. Sorrow. Pain. T2. Respond. T2. Respond. “T4”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T2” and “T1”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T4” and “T3”. Focus. “T2”. Detach. Autopilot. T2,T4,T3,T1 and T0. All of it. Feel it. Lapse again into the ways of misery. Detach.
Back at home
“T1”. Dinner. Sleep.
“T0”- “Make a change, kill yourself/Find a way to detach from everybody/ Death”. T0 on loop till I fall asleep.
“Where are my pills? Where is the white one? Where is the pink one? Whatever happened to the green one? Where are all of you hiding?”
Fleeting shadows. Subliminal whispers. Visual and auditory hallucinations. Fear.
“What’s that sound? Is anybody there?! Come out! Fuck. Where are the tiny angels who keep me sane?”
“I need a refill.”
This is how it is in my head every waking moment. Even when I’m smiling at you or laughing with you I’m still thinking about Death. Suicide. Hate. Misery. Sorrow. Pain. I haven’t been able to describe it exactly as it happens in my head. You wanted to know how it was inside my head and I have tried my best to put them into words. The repetitions for “T1″,”T3” and “T4″ are far higher than what I’ve mentioned. I have never tried explaining how it is inside my head and this is the first time I have. But I will from now on atleast, never tell you I’m messed up. Apparently suffering from various mental health disorders is not an excuse. I will remember that until the day I die. It is sad. The free-er I feel around you, the more I open up to you. The more I trust you. Only to end up feeling like I’ll drag you into this mess. And then, you’ll resent me. Guess I really can’t be without my mask with anyone. I will be as I was with you before you got to know me. That way atleast, you’ll be happy.”
“It’s never too late to listen,
To hidden tears that glisten”
As I fall deeper into the depths of my mind,
I find there is a lapse in all things kind
Free spirit is what you think you are,
But you are bound by the clock that keeps the hour
Always forced to pursue vacant happiness,
Forced to conform with this society’s madness
No,this is not the way I want to be,
I would rather die than in your world be free,
For you see,there is nothing but pain and misery,
In my mind,where the demons of the past run free
Lost within and stuck inside this loop of insanity,
I wont be force fed your version of clarity,
I will find my way through this psychotic reality,
And fly away free from the pull of your complacent gravity
I refuse to be a part of your lack of understanding,
I refuse to contribute to the lies that led to my maddening,
I will travel beyond and find the truth though it is saddening,
I would rather die than succumb to your system’s demanding
I’m caught in this loop of insanity,
Searching for a vision with no clarity,
Unsuccumbing to society’s lucid conformity,
I will find my way through your mundane reality
Far above and beyond,but within,
In a pale land without honour or sin,
Insanity to me is as close as blood-kin,
A freind against whom I cannot fathom to win
Far away from your world of fantasy,
I’m caught in this loop of insanity,
Coming to grip with this world’s reality,
Always searching for a vision with no clarity
Reality please take away my last breath,
Nurture it’s dreams,it’s dreams of death
Horrors in my mind,they haunt me,
Unmatched is my insanity,it taunts me
Do I live till I feel my life fullfilling?
Or do I yield to Death’s peaceful calling?
Weightless is my mind,uncontrolled are my thoughts,
Heavy and torn is my heart,fragmented are all its parts
Every night I slip into my dreams,my dreams of death,
Alone in my mind, I’ve come to lose all my faith
All night I walk alone down this empty winding path,
Searching for the right place to plant my weathered epitaph
Forever following an ever shining bright light,
Forever escaping insanity’s dark and bitter might
Far too long have I waited in this world of mine,
For Death to fly by and make this pain fine
As I sit in my world on this crumbled throne of mine,
I look around and see the beauty of my own shattered mind
Enormous flames and rigid snow storms side by side,
Darkness looms over my land with it’s unparalleled pride
The ground is barren,cracked and broken,
No other souls are present here,no words are ever spoken
Dead and wilted trees adorn my mind’s beautiful landscape,
No…no way out of this place,there is no known escape
Washed and rained is this beautiful,majestic place,
With the lines of the years gone by on my face
Mighty,unheralded rainbow cosmic colours flood my own mind’s land,
The cause in it’s creation has been the absence of your worlds divine hand
Majestic is my wrecked mind,
Come into it and you will find,
Nothing but death,pain and misery,
My tired eyes burning with a detached fury
Eventually,everything will turn black,
Time will take it’s toll and bend my back
As I plunge down deeper into my dreams,my dreams of death,
I smile as I finally take in one final breath,my final breath
Insanity, my dear friend
Once told me
-All roads lead to one…inanity
Insanity, my dear friend
Once told me
-All wealth leads to one…depravity
Insanity, my dear friend
Once told me
-The cause of boredom is one…familiarity
