Slaughter

In a war torn life

We’re all alone

Pain and sorrow

Is all we’ve ever known
So we grabbed a knife

To get it done

They promised us

That it’d be fun
Brother,sister

Mother,father

All of fucking life’s creator

They asked of us to slaughter
Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!
Why is it that we go to war?

Is a peaceful reality really so far?
We were asked to go with non-partial fists

To be devoid and feel nothing like nihilist

To break all our bonds and forget our pain

To wash ourselves in an endless bloodied rain
Brother,sister

Mother,father

All of fucking life’s creator

They asked of us to slaughter
Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!

Slaughter!
Why is it that we still go to war?

Is a peaceful reality really so far?

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Inner Assassins

This is an article/short story written from the point of view of a sufferer of mental disorders in an attempt to create awareness about depression, insomnia,split personality, paranoia, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder and various other classifications.

“Hello. I’m writing this because I’m unable to organise my thoughts on the go and only because you really want to know what happens inside my head, instead of trying to predict my state of mind. I understand why you want to know, I mean no one is capable of predicting anybody’s state of mind. If it is of any comfort to you, for me to tell you what happens in my head, then I will. How you take it is not in my hands. I’m not too sure how I can explain it, but I will do my best.

On a regular day

I wake up. It’s morning. The first thoughts that usually come to my head are – “I haven’t died yet?/ Why am I still alive?/ Should I leave everything and go?/ Why am I like this?/ I hate myself/ I need to kill myself/ What good am I?/ What good is my existence to anyone?” (I’m going to name this T1). 

And then I get out of my bed exhausted. Even after a good night’s sleep. I need a smoke. Somewhere in the back of my head- “I need death” gets repeated until I put on some music to distract myself. I then get out and remember everything. Everything. All of it. All. Of. It. I’m filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I lose track of music and “T1” repeats again until I finish my smoke. Then I think about my day. I tell myself that I need to be with you through the day and mentally prepare myself for it, thinking to myself that I need to stay focused. Reminding myself that I need to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. T2 – “I love you a lot/You make me happy/You need me/ We are happy/ I really hope we make this work/I need to take care of you”. There’s a huge conflict of thoughts and emotions by this time. Everything inside shuts down and I feel nothing. One hour of my waking day.

I get back. Breakfast is ready. Food. I’m unable to stand the sight of it. Everybody’s rushing to get ready and leave. T3-“Always invisible to them/No one cares/I’m tired/I need sleep”. I’m asked something, I don’t know what it is because I’m unable to pay attention. Answer is an autopilot nod. “T1”. I get out again. Back to smoke. Except with a vehicle this time. A quicker pace towards Death. “T3” and “T1” on loop. I get back. I’m late. Get ready. Autopilot. Eat a bit. Leave.


At work

Nothing. No emotions. No thoughts. Autopilot. Converse. Smile. Fit in. Listen to you whenever we talk. Respond. Smile. Act the fool to see you smile as well. “T1” and “T2” on loop. Inner conflict after awhile. Everything shuts down again. Tired.

End of the day

Talk to you. Listen. Respond. Smile, try making you smile with me. “T1” and “T2”.
Get back to my sacred place. “T1”. “T3”. Loop.
Home-“T1” and “T3”. Look at my guitar, all of my books and my bed.T4-“Why am I not feeling anything?/I’m exhausted/I need help”.

Out to drink

Finally. A release. Happy amongst whoever is there to drink with me. First half hour-“T3” sets in. Next twenty minutes – “T4”. Keep smiling, paying attention,reacting and responding. Next half hour. Another emotional conflict. Everything inside shuts down. I excuse myself. Look at myself in the mirror. “Get back to normal. Fit in. Fit in”. I repeat this to myself in the mirror until I do calm down. I wash my face and look at myself again. “T3” and “T1”. Get out. Autopilot. If I’m with you then it’s “T2” and “T3”. Sometimes “T4” or “T1”. Alone in a crowded room filled with friends and familiar faces.

In an argument

Prove I’m right. Initially “T2”, “T4” and then “T3”. Prove I’m not wrong. All thoughts get mixed up. Muddled up. Messed up. I don’t know what to say. Anger. Disdain. Sorrow. Pain. T2. Respond. T2. Respond. “T4”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T2” and “T1”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T4” and “T3”. Focus. “T2”. Detach. Autopilot. T2,T4,T3,T1 and T0. All of it. Feel it. Lapse again into the ways of misery. Detach.

Back at home

“T1”. Dinner. Sleep.
“T0”- “Make a change, kill yourself/Find a way to detach from everybody/ Death”. T0 on loop till I fall asleep.

“Where are my pills? Where is the white one? Where is the pink one? Whatever happened to the green one? Where are all of you hiding?”

Fleeting shadows. Subliminal whispers. Visual and auditory hallucinations. Fear.

“What’s that sound? Is anybody there?! Come out! Fuck. Where are the tiny angels who keep me sane?”

“I need a refill.”

This is how it is in my head every waking moment. Even when I’m smiling at you or laughing with you I’m still thinking about Death. Suicide. Hate. Misery. Sorrow. Pain. I haven’t been able to describe it exactly as it happens in my head. You wanted to know how it was inside my head and I have tried my best to put them into words. The repetitions for “T1″,”T3” and “T4″ are far higher than what I’ve mentioned. I have never tried explaining how it is inside my head and this is the first time I have. But I will from now on atleast, never tell you I’m messed up. Apparently suffering from various mental health disorders is not an excuse. I will remember that until the day I die. It is sad. The free-er I feel around you, the more I open up to you. The more I trust you. Only to end up feeling like I’ll drag you into this mess. And then, you’ll resent me. Guess I really can’t be without my mask with anyone. I will be as I was with you before you got to know me. That way atleast, you’ll be happy.”

“It’s never too late to listen,

To hidden tears that glisten”

Weather Report

Pretense

Intense

Today’s weather report

The barricades deport

In Celsius a hundred degrees

A predestined summit varies

Much cloudy they say

Unhidden is still the way

A relentless rain pouring

An unhinged mind soaring

A cool bright light, swaying snowfall

Experiences cause not our downfall

Rivers and oceans, a constant tide

A visual intake, our hearts open wide

Pretense

Intense

Today’s weather report

Inner barricades deport

My Story-The Dreamer

​Since most of you following me here from the last couple of weeks are new, here is small story about me and of how “Bright” came to be.

At the age of 18, I started of as a vocalist for a Metalcore band called “Demise of Deceased” in the year 2010. As a band we focused majorly on writing music that described the life and times of soldiers in the army and at war.

Having felt that pure vocals was not my thing, I then proceeded to learn how to play the guitar and eventually started playing for a Heavy metal band called “Black Peter”, followed by “Chaotic Serenity”. “Chaotic Serenity” was a Thrash metal band, whose material was majorly inspired by the work of metal giants like Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Slayer and Pantera. I performed with them till 2012. Towards the end of my time with them, I felt the style of music I was playing wasn’t extreme enough for me and quit the band.

I formed the Black metal band “Anti” with other like-minded musicians keen on writing aggressive material as a vocalist, guitarist and lyricist from the year 2012. The band remains active till date. With “Anti” we’ve had the opportunity of performing as a part of the highly reputed “Bangalore Open Air” metal festival in India in the year 2015. During my time with “Anti”, we released one demo album – “A Dark And Shattered Soul” and one raw full-length album – “Anti-Theist”.

In the year 2013, bored with the one-dimensional approach my writing had turned into due to genre constraints, I ventured into the instrumental music territory with “Bright”, hoping to explore and express the multitude of emotions experienced by a human being through music alone. I made it a point to record and release the guitar based instrumentals myself as my aim was to be unrestricted and have overall control over which direction my songs would take. The solo guitar instrumental work I’ve done in “Bright” has resulted in a lot of great opportunities and new experiences. In the month of May, 2016, after 3 years of composing instrumental tracks,”Bright” was shortlisted as one of the top artists of the country by Hard Rock Cafe, India for their international event “Hard Rock Rising”, in which the top artists of the country in which every Hard Rock Cafe is present are given an opportunity to perform at Hard Rock Cafe with other top notch artists from around the country.

Through the years I have persevered with my life in music relentlessly. I now have enough material for a full-fledged album, tracking and recording of which has commenced. The musical direction i’ll be taking with these tracks will be very new for me and I hope to evolve more as a musician through the process.

Most people ask me why “Bright” is purely instrumental, having stated that in today’s world instrumental music is majorly a non-lucrative dead end street. And my reply to that is –

I write instrumental music because I can connect with people without the use of words making the experience that much more powerful. I believe music transcends language. My goal is to make the listener think – “Hmm, I think and feel like this sometimes too”

For those amongst you who are curious about what I do, follow the links below to check out my attempts at living my dream! Thank you all for your consistent support and encouragement. Cheers! 

Facebook – https://m.facebook.com/insidethewhitelight/

SoundCloud – https://www.soundcloud.com/preetam-sp

Reverbnation – https://www.reverbnation.com/bright7

Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/preetamsp/?hl=en

Twitter – https://www.twitter.com/heavymetalpree

My book ‘Naked Mind’ – http://www.amazon.in/gp/aw/d/B06XHT7BYV/ref=mp_s_a_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501514817&sr=8-1-fkmr0&pi=AC_SX118_SY170_QL70&keywords=naked+mind+preetam+sp

YouTube – https://m.youtube.com/user/666Pree

So far, so good… So what! Cheers! 🙂