It’s not enough, it never is

Pain, like a stabwound to your soul
Leaving us all perpetually unwhole

Burnt to a crisp and left forever dead
We all live our lives with hidden dread

I have always wanted to forget
27 years of my life…with no regret

They say time is a healer
I’d say time is more a killer
(Who are ‘they’ anyway?)

In an existence as unforgiving as ours…wait, then what?
We force ourselves to live without any empathetical thought?

I think not.

I truly believe that at heart we are all sensitive and compassionate beings,
Forced to exist in a world unkind, with lives led through our own hostilities

We’ve all got to fight just to make it through
So I say this now – it’s all you, you and you

The answer that we all unanimously eventually arrive & get at
Is a soul cancer, now take this on your back. A heartfelt ‘keep-at- it’ pat

Your struggles, trials and ascendance?
It’s not enough…it never really is

We’ve all got to fight just to make it through
So I say this now – it’s all you, you and you

This shit’s not rhyming as clean as my usual wordsmith mouth can
But, what the actual fuck? Our superficial world is an emotional-ban

Attachments and families?
Unnecessary fallacies

LoL LoL
LoL LoL
Fuck you
Fuck me

Go ahead…hide the pain inside
Breathe the life of life
Go ahead…hate what you’ve become now
Intoxicated with the death of Death

Hope and Death
Cope and End

Hold me down now
With your face in a frown

But do let me go
While I try to find a home

Have I helped you now?
I don’t know

We’ve all got to fight just to make it through
So I say this now – it’s all you, you and you

It’s not enough…It never is
But, I want to get there first

I will be the One
I’ll die for anyone
What have I become?

Medicate, medicate
Medicate, medicate

Your struggles, trials and ascendance?
It’s not enough…it never really is

Going Back Home

This is the room that I grew up in. This is the room I locked myself up in all throughout my childhood after school. This is the room that I read and read and read about the world, it’s ways, it’s philosophies, it’s people, it’s societies, it’s culture and all of its superficiality during my childhood. This is the room I locked myself in and played metal at it’s loudest. I air-guitared, jumped around up and down my cot at the time all through my evenings after school. I screamed & shouted my heart out whithin this locked room. I practiced my very own art of growling. I practiced my guitar till 3/4 in the morning (because I had to give my best to the band’s that I was playing with throughout those years) after a long days work and commitment to a creative Bachelor’s undergrad course (after which I’d resume my morbid cycle at 5/6 in the morning and get to my college on time). Trust me, three to four hours of sleep on a regular basis will let you accomplish far more towards your personal dreams than on mainstream society’s sleep-clock. Looking back, there was very little sleep/rest within these then-dreary four walls. All that ever was…was a dream. A dream to transcend beyond what I was choiclessly forced to experience and my will and grit to transcend above all of it. This is the room that made me. I believe I am truly happy after the longest string of years. I am finally going back to my home. Finally back to my very own home. Not just some “house”, but my “home”. There is a massive difference between them. I’m finally going back to the place where I was taught – “Intellect above all else is pure true gold”.

Sophisticated Barbarism

As we willingly keep descending into anarchy
Sophisticated barbarism has become our reality

Take a good look at this world around you my dear child
Hell now is here on Earth, a place not meant for anyone mild

Corruptors and the corrupted, both us
Oppressors and the oppressed, both us

Observe the frailty in our social construct
Cultures keep clashing only to self-destruct

Governance and economy a thickly veiled hogwash
Gutters for the poor and mansions for the posh

An existence resulting in a horde of dullards high on media’s incense
Satiating our swelt tongues with cocktails made of sex and violence

Look at the world you’ve been born into my dear little one
You’re now expected to take part in their degraded fun

The ego and arrogance of our kind and species now knows no bounds
Hypocrites showering love through neutering and spaying our beloved hounds

Look at how they all deem it necessary
To interfere with nature via debauchery

We are nothing more than viruses with shoes forced to play a part
Having missed the entire of point to live with a kind and gentle heart

I apologise dear innocent child, but here are your pair of shoes
To wear and be productive as one of them, drained of all hues

As we willingly keep descending into anarchy
Sophisticated barbarism has become our reality

Apex intellectual species?
I think not.

The Rising

I had travelled afar,

Slept under many a star

Through mountains, dungeons and caves,

Freeing dozens of tortured slaves

A true harbinger of peace,

Over all I shall have ruled with ease

In many a battle I had slaughtered and maimed,

For my just brutality over hills I am famed

All who would anger and oppose me,

By the tip of my blade would be set free

Such was my repertoire beyond countless days and starry nights,

Famed as a god I was, fabled and mythical were all my fights

But, today in this world of netherworldly rainbowed colours,

My soul paces with unease, twitching with feral fervours

For what I found in this world upon my arriving,

Intense and surreal was the rising

Vacuum Living

Pointless

Futile

Vain

Insane

Fragile

Frail

Sorrow

Prevails

Empty, vacant

Soulless shell

Very much alive

In this deep wicked hell

Just A Joke

Did you know him?
Who?Him?

Yes!Him!I didn’t know him!
Oh,really?I didn’t know him as well!

As well as what?
What was in his life’s well?

Well, who knows?
Did you know him?

Me?No!Never took the time actually!
Oh,how sad!What about you?

Any clue who he was?
Nope!Just another nameless soul to me!

Hmm mm
How sad!

Doesn’t anybody know him?
Me?No!Who me?No!

Well,it looks he was in an invisible cloak!
Trying to fit in with us??
Wasn’t he just a joke!

Or was he?

For Some

For some it comes with perpetual pain
With no sight of hopeful peace or gain

For some it comes with wisdom attained from age
Infinite free smiles before an unmaksed hidden rage

For some it comes with unconditional love
In mute exchanges of the emotional glove

For some it comes with blinding rest and sleep
Of private dreams pandering to the social heap

For some it comes with a six-string bending
Immolated souls in musical notes ascending

For some it comes within illusions of themselves
Narcissistic cries for attention in humanity’s fake encalves

For some it comes naturally
All facets of life faced gladly

For me it comes from my personal secretive yores & folklores
These eyes I’ve been gifted with will always see behind yours

I refuse your excuse

Bird Of Fire

A phoenix birthed from a charred heart
From the skies it flew down to play a part

It tought resilience through its choicest tears
Fanned the flames away off of all your fears

The orange wings spread in distance wide
Embracing the burnt-heart within it’s hyde

A life filled with perpetual neo-negativity
Will once again be cleansed with tenacity

A burning fire within fluctuates between strong and weak
A perseverance keeps resuscitating itself in a life that’s bleak

The Phoenix sheds it’s tears to foster this heart’s raging flame
The rejuvenated soul resumes to take part in your frivolous game

In stillness
In calmness
The heart beats again

The crucible of pain will always forge the strongest soul

The Boy On The Balcony

There always stands a boy on the balcony
The neighborhood frowns upon his nose runny

Averting their superficial fickle gaze away from him
There is no bestowed benevolence upon his sordid hymn

A mind and body they thought to be aligned in spirit and smoke
A perception they drew amongst themselves upon this misfit bloke

Is it a paranoia or is it disdainful belief
That forces this abandoned child to pursue relief?

Awaiting the arrival of his loving spared father
With the absence of his ever ignorant mother

A family that’s divided surely will not stand
All attachments erased, all previous emotions the boy canned

There is but a brother this boy cares for
Even though the child is lost in his own painful hour

In bright colors and hues the boy finds a constant
Fading in and out of his life so very reluctant

Friends amassed through masked smiles and laughs
Breathless the choking boy on the balcony coughs

But still hopeful and optimistic is the boy about his life ahead
To be able to live his days with no strife and no dread

For the rest of his life cared for by an imaginary friend
Abandoned and alone he knows his life will one day end

Multiple drunken stupors
Fuck your shit bloopers

What A Life

What a life it’s been
Inner conflict unseen

Someone who’s family once put my head between her legs for a fix
A sexual awakening, adulthood premature, innocence lost at age six

Soul trembling now all gone
Acceptance gained forlorn

Ignorant envy at times from beings encountered
A stonelike perseverance, I have never since faltered

Overrated sexless orgies most you beings partake, proudly civilized
I am but a being who’s a complete Dionysian, through rhymes refined

Until the day comes when I fully realize my now within reach dreams
I am destined to drift endlessly through weird unknown streams

Egomaniacal tits, balls, cunts and cocks of our piss-poor disdainful world
No longer triggered by this, into debauchery you’re all apathetically hurled

“Confront your fears and tears and live your true dreams” – Some late night distant voice whispered to me

A heart and soul firmly placed between dream and reality
Don’t you dare kiss my ass with your superficiality

What a life it’s been and what a life it’s maybe going to be
I’m fully aware of the shit you talk about the life lived by me

The fabric of life keeps tearing at it’s seams
I hold it all together with my childlike dreams

My causality, my quality, my divinity, my presence – all of them one of a kind
A recently attained inner peace within my ruptured mind will you now find

I now welcome you to my nonchalant scene
A misfit in your society, what a life it’s been

I now proclaim –
“Burn your socially acceptable masks”

Perpetually bored – Intellectually
Razel seeks me continuously

Fuck me – Gently, Metaphorically
Entertain me – With innocence, Blissfully

Negation Of Memories

Whether they be good or bad
Unwillingly driven cold and sad

These thoughts and memories
A misread book of insanities

Same old story, none will ever know
A heart with no summer, only snow

How does it feel to live with a fluctuating mind that’s worse than a chameleon jumping on the vibgyor colors of a rainbow?

Vacant Eyes

What do you see when you look into our eyes?

Do you realize we see all the pain, deception and lies?

Our vacant gaze burns into your mind

Only sorrow and pain in it will you find

I see us all falling and calling

Out to something in essence enthralling

Nihility they say is a lost cause

We always have time to pause

Vacant eyes all around succumbing

Forced into a world unbecoming

We walk together all alone

Seeking our own preserved throne

Rightful heirs apparently entitled to it

Just too blind to see or feel it

Have we fallen so far across time and space

That we plaster a smile across on our blank face?

Like snowfall we softly descend

Vacant minds allowing minds to ascend

What do you see when you look into my eyes?

Do you see what I see? It’s all lies, lies and lies

Humour

Human beings smile or laugh to escape
From this forecfuly projected landscape

Humour is more often derived from someone else’s pain
A fleeting feeling craved for a selfish emotional gain

Caught in a twisted maze of delusions in a noise so deafening
So easy it is to deny the pain of someone else’s suffering

Humour me, go ahead and try your luck
And see for yourself if I truly give a fuck

Inner Assassins

This is an article/short story written from the point of view of a sufferer of mental disorders in an attempt to create awareness about depression, insomnia,split personality, paranoia, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder and various other classifications.

“Hello. I’m writing this because I’m unable to organise my thoughts on the go and only because you really want to know what happens inside my head, instead of trying to predict my state of mind. I understand why you want to know, I mean no one is capable of predicting anybody’s state of mind. If it is of any comfort to you, for me to tell you what happens in my head, then I will. How you take it is not in my hands. I’m not too sure how I can explain it, but I will do my best.

On a regular day

I wake up. It’s morning. The first thoughts that usually come to my head are – “I haven’t died yet?/ Why am I still alive?/ Should I leave everything and go?/ Why am I like this?/ I hate myself/ I need to kill myself/ What good am I?/ What good is my existence to anyone?” (I’m going to name this T1). 

And then I get out of my bed exhausted. Even after a good night’s sleep. I need a smoke. Somewhere in the back of my head- “I need death” gets repeated until I put on some music to distract myself. I then get out and remember everything. Everything. All of it. All. Of. It. I’m filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I lose track of music and “T1” repeats again until I finish my smoke. Then I think about my day. I tell myself that I need to be with you through the day and mentally prepare myself for it, thinking to myself that I need to stay focused. Reminding myself that I need to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. T2 – “I love you a lot/You make me happy/You need me/ We are happy/ I really hope we make this work/I need to take care of you”. There’s a huge conflict of thoughts and emotions by this time. Everything inside shuts down and I feel nothing. One hour of my waking day.

I get back. Breakfast is ready. Food. I’m unable to stand the sight of it. Everybody’s rushing to get ready and leave. T3-“Always invisible to them/No one cares/I’m tired/I need sleep”. I’m asked something, I don’t know what it is because I’m unable to pay attention. Answer is an autopilot nod. “T1”. I get out again. Back to smoke. Except with a vehicle this time. A quicker pace towards Death. “T3” and “T1” on loop. I get back. I’m late. Get ready. Autopilot. Eat a bit. Leave.


At work

Nothing. No emotions. No thoughts. Autopilot. Converse. Smile. Fit in. Listen to you whenever we talk. Respond. Smile. Act the fool to see you smile as well. “T1” and “T2” on loop. Inner conflict after awhile. Everything shuts down again. Tired.

End of the day

Talk to you. Listen. Respond. Smile, try making you smile with me. “T1” and “T2”.
Get back to my sacred place. “T1”. “T3”. Loop.
Home-“T1” and “T3”. Look at my guitar, all of my books and my bed.T4-“Why am I not feeling anything?/I’m exhausted/I need help”.

Out to drink

Finally. A release. Happy amongst whoever is there to drink with me. First half hour-“T3” sets in. Next twenty minutes – “T4”. Keep smiling, paying attention,reacting and responding. Next half hour. Another emotional conflict. Everything inside shuts down. I excuse myself. Look at myself in the mirror. “Get back to normal. Fit in. Fit in”. I repeat this to myself in the mirror until I do calm down. I wash my face and look at myself again. “T3” and “T1”. Get out. Autopilot. If I’m with you then it’s “T2” and “T3”. Sometimes “T4” or “T1”. Alone in a crowded room filled with friends and familiar faces.

In an argument

Prove I’m right. Initially “T2”, “T4” and then “T3”. Prove I’m not wrong. All thoughts get mixed up. Muddled up. Messed up. I don’t know what to say. Anger. Disdain. Sorrow. Pain. T2. Respond. T2. Respond. “T4”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T2” and “T1”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T4” and “T3”. Focus. “T2”. Detach. Autopilot. T2,T4,T3,T1 and T0. All of it. Feel it. Lapse again into the ways of misery. Detach.

Back at home

“T1”. Dinner. Sleep.
“T0”- “Make a change, kill yourself/Find a way to detach from everybody/ Death”. T0 on loop till I fall asleep.

“Where are my pills? Where is the white one? Where is the pink one? Whatever happened to the green one? Where are all of you hiding?”

Fleeting shadows. Subliminal whispers. Visual and auditory hallucinations. Fear.

“What’s that sound? Is anybody there?! Come out! Fuck. Where are the tiny angels who keep me sane?”

“I need a refill.”

This is how it is in my head every waking moment. Even when I’m smiling at you or laughing with you I’m still thinking about Death. Suicide. Hate. Misery. Sorrow. Pain. I haven’t been able to describe it exactly as it happens in my head. You wanted to know how it was inside my head and I have tried my best to put them into words. The repetitions for “T1″,”T3” and “T4″ are far higher than what I’ve mentioned. I have never tried explaining how it is inside my head and this is the first time I have. But I will from now on atleast, never tell you I’m messed up. Apparently suffering from various mental health disorders is not an excuse. I will remember that until the day I die. It is sad. The free-er I feel around you, the more I open up to you. The more I trust you. Only to end up feeling like I’ll drag you into this mess. And then, you’ll resent me. Guess I really can’t be without my mask with anyone. I will be as I was with you before you got to know me. That way atleast, you’ll be happy.”

“It’s never too late to listen,

To hidden tears that glisten”

The Other Me

‚ÄčToday I decided to kill the other me. It hurts. The other me is the real me. I sometimes think to myself – How many of me reside within this one existence? The answer comes easily enough. There are two distinct me’s inside of me. One, my true self. Childlike, naive and innocent. A 6 year old kid with dreams of changing the world for the better. A kid who never grew up.Refusing stubbornly to not let himself get corrupted by the ways of this world and the people it hosts.

The second one, an image I’ve developed for myself over the past year and a half to help give some amount of truth to the people who’ve spoken ill about me without knowing me at all. It’s easier to build a bad reputation for myself and live upto the title of -an alcoholic, an addict and the worst human being on this planet. I realized my true self has no place in a world such as this. 

I sometimes wish that I wasn’t existing in the first place. Then I wouldn’t feel this endless pain. “Nice guys always finish last” – There is a certain amount of truth to that saying. Being my true self has yielded nothing but pain and misery for me. I just got spit on, stepped on, pissed on, fucked with and pointed at and judged by people who don’t even know me. I need to kill my true self for I fear that if I don’t, my whole life will just be a free fall into a bottomless pit. An endless fall into the arms of sorrow and sadness. An embrace towards constant depression. Things I want to really say to a person I love and value usually get lost in transition. I need my fake facade to survive. I need my addictions to keep myself numb, sane and painless. But, if I kill my true self, then my whole life from this point on will just be a lie. Is it worth it? Is the constant pain going to end when I do this? Or will it just amplify my negative emotions to new heights? What sort of a life is this going to yield for me? A quicker pace towards death is the answer. And that I feel, is fine with me.

I’ve killed my true self today. I’ve silenced the kid with the raw innocent emotions. The kid who wants to change the world. And the way forward from here on will just be a fake facade in an empty vessel. Hoping for peace in death and dredging through this life one day at a time. Listening to the instincts of my true self only when i’m vulnerable and it is absolutely crucial.

Tell me now, my dearest and oldest friends Pain and Death, when will you set me free from your tortured realm? 

When will you let this little kid be?