This is an article/short story written from the point of view of a sufferer of mental disorders in an attempt to create awareness about depression, insomnia,split personality, paranoia, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder and various other classifications.
“Hello. I’m writing this because I’m unable to organise my thoughts on the go and only because you really want to know what happens inside my head, instead of trying to predict my state of mind. I understand why you want to know, I mean no one is capable of predicting anybody’s state of mind. If it is of any comfort to you, for me to tell you what happens in my head, then I will. How you take it is not in my hands. I’m not too sure how I can explain it, but I will do my best.
On a regular day
I wake up. It’s morning. The first thoughts that usually come to my head are – “I haven’t died yet?/ Why am I still alive?/ Should I leave everything and go?/ Why am I like this?/ I hate myself/ I need to kill myself/ What good am I?/ What good is my existence to anyone?” (I’m going to name this T1).
And then I get out of my bed exhausted. Even after a good night’s sleep. I need a smoke. Somewhere in the back of my head- “I need death” gets repeated until I put on some music to distract myself. I then get out and remember everything. Everything. All of it. All. Of. It. I’m filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I lose track of music and “T1” repeats again until I finish my smoke. Then I think about my day. I tell myself that I need to be with you through the day and mentally prepare myself for it, thinking to myself that I need to stay focused. Reminding myself that I need to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. T2 – “I love you a lot/You make me happy/You need me/ We are happy/ I really hope we make this work/I need to take care of you”. There’s a huge conflict of thoughts and emotions by this time. Everything inside shuts down and I feel nothing. One hour of my waking day.
I get back. Breakfast is ready. Food. I’m unable to stand the sight of it. Everybody’s rushing to get ready and leave. T3-“Always invisible to them/No one cares/I’m tired/I need sleep”. I’m asked something, I don’t know what it is because I’m unable to pay attention. Answer is an autopilot nod. “T1”. I get out again. Back to smoke. Except with a vehicle this time. A quicker pace towards Death. “T3” and “T1” on loop. I get back. I’m late. Get ready. Autopilot. Eat a bit. Leave.
Nothing. No emotions. No thoughts. Autopilot. Converse. Smile. Fit in. Listen to you whenever we talk. Respond. Smile. Act the fool to see you smile as well. “T1” and “T2” on loop. Inner conflict after awhile. Everything shuts down again. Tired.
End of the day
Talk to you. Listen. Respond. Smile, try making you smile with me. “T1” and “T2”.
Get back to my sacred place. “T1”. “T3”. Loop.
Home-“T1” and “T3”. Look at my guitar, all of my books and my bed.T4-“Why am I not feeling anything?/I’m exhausted/I need help”.
Out to drink
Finally. A release. Happy amongst whoever is there to drink with me. First half hour-“T3” sets in. Next twenty minutes – “T4”. Keep smiling, paying attention,reacting and responding. Next half hour. Another emotional conflict. Everything inside shuts down. I excuse myself. Look at myself in the mirror. “Get back to normal. Fit in. Fit in”. I repeat this to myself in the mirror until I do calm down. I wash my face and look at myself again. “T3” and “T1”. Get out. Autopilot. If I’m with you then it’s “T2” and “T3”. Sometimes “T4” or “T1”. Alone in a crowded room filled with friends and familiar faces.
In an argument
Prove I’m right. Initially “T2”, “T4” and then “T3”. Prove I’m not wrong. All thoughts get mixed up. Muddled up. Messed up. I don’t know what to say. Anger. Disdain. Sorrow. Pain. T2. Respond. T2. Respond. “T4”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T2” and “T1”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T4” and “T3”. Focus. “T2”. Detach. Autopilot. T2,T4,T3,T1 and T0. All of it. Feel it. Lapse again into the ways of misery. Detach.
Back at home
“T1”. Dinner. Sleep.
“T0”- “Make a change, kill yourself/Find a way to detach from everybody/ Death”. T0 on loop till I fall asleep.
“Where are my pills? Where is the white one? Where is the pink one? Whatever happened to the green one? Where are all of you hiding?”
Fleeting shadows. Subliminal whispers. Visual and auditory hallucinations. Fear.
“What’s that sound? Is anybody there?! Come out! Fuck. Where are the tiny angels who keep me sane?”
“I need a refill.”
This is how it is in my head every waking moment. Even when I’m smiling at you or laughing with you I’m still thinking about Death. Suicide. Hate. Misery. Sorrow. Pain. I haven’t been able to describe it exactly as it happens in my head. You wanted to know how it was inside my head and I have tried my best to put them into words. The repetitions for “T1″,”T3” and “T4″ are far higher than what I’ve mentioned. I have never tried explaining how it is inside my head and this is the first time I have. But I will from now on atleast, never tell you I’m messed up. Apparently suffering from various mental health disorders is not an excuse. I will remember that until the day I die. It is sad. The free-er I feel around you, the more I open up to you. The more I trust you. Only to end up feeling like I’ll drag you into this mess. And then, you’ll resent me. Guess I really can’t be without my mask with anyone. I will be as I was with you before you got to know me. That way atleast, you’ll be happy.”
“It’s never too late to listen,
To hidden tears that glisten”
Today’s weather report
The barricades deport
In Celsius a hundred degrees
A predestined summit varies
Much cloudy they say
Unhidden is still the way
A relentless rain pouring
An unhinged mind soaring
A cool bright light, swaying snowfall
Experiences cause not our downfall
Rivers and oceans, a constant tide
A visual intake, our hearts open wide
Today’s weather report
Inner barricades deport
Reality please take away my last breath,
Nurture it’s dreams,it’s dreams of death
Horrors in my mind,they haunt me,
Unmatched is my insanity,it taunts me
Do I live till I feel my life fullfilling?
Or do I yield to Death’s peaceful calling?
Weightless is my mind,uncontrolled are my thoughts,
Heavy and torn is my heart,fragmented are all its parts
Every night I slip into my dreams,my dreams of death,
Alone in my mind, I’ve come to lose all my faith
All night I walk alone down this empty winding path,
Searching for the right place to plant my weathered epitaph
Forever following an ever shining bright light,
Forever escaping insanity’s dark and bitter might
Far too long have I waited in this world of mine,
For Death to fly by and make this pain fine
As I sit in my world on this crumbled throne of mine,
I look around and see the beauty of my own shattered mind
Enormous flames and rigid snow storms side by side,
Darkness looms over my land with it’s unparalleled pride
The ground is barren,cracked and broken,
No other souls are present here,no words are ever spoken
Dead and wilted trees adorn my mind’s beautiful landscape,
No…no way out of this place,there is no known escape
Washed and rained is this beautiful,majestic place,
With the lines of the years gone by on my face
Mighty,unheralded rainbow cosmic colours flood my own mind’s land,
The cause in it’s creation has been the absence of your worlds divine hand
Majestic is my wrecked mind,
Come into it and you will find,
Nothing but death,pain and misery,
My tired eyes burning with a detached fury
Eventually,everything will turn black,
Time will take it’s toll and bend my back
As I plunge down deeper into my dreams,my dreams of death,
I smile as I finally take in one final breath,my final breath
“So easy it is to deny the pain of someone else’s suffering” – Chuck Schuldiner
And I rushed into the pale dark room,
Candles were black and lit, melting
Each drop falling with an atomic boom,
Onto the cool gray stone, the wax continued it’s pelting
They told me, they had told me!
-“Another is gone!”
-“Who is it this time?”
I asked, panic setting in
-“A frail soul,one too frail to mention”
They replied, emotionless within
In the name of a thousand gods!
Death is only a shade for the mortals!
I look at the body,all raiment in black,
The fabric of life and death in a chaotic crack
And I am surprised to see!
My face plastered where it’s ought to be!
And then I turned back
and felt my reflection lack,
In the mirror beside
the Reaper’s hide
I said aloud
I said aloud
And all around me,the new evolved kinds,
They stared at me with their vivid minds
And welcomed me into their blackened slimy visions,
To draw visions into life’s mine and to rejoice in it’s malformed incisions
Of babies bathing in soot,comfort in their ember,half-burnt and crisp
Rickets and scurvy,a fine combination, disintegrating into a smoky wisp
At such a tender age they seem so happy unaware,
Look at them smile and laugh, burning away without a care
Those fair little creatures know nothing of reality,
Blind still to it’s unjust ways and plain brutality
Eating each others souls and having a hearty time,
Eventually growing up to tune their joy into a painful rhyme
I black out this vision before me with the power of the sun,
Visions are for immortals and I will be one