Sophisticated Barbarism

As we willingly keep descending into anarchy
Sophisticated barbarism has become our reality

Take a good look at this world around you my dear child
Hell now is here on Earth, a place not meant for anyone mild

Corruptors and the corrupted, both us
Oppressors and the oppressed, both us

Observe the frailty in our social construct
Cultures keep clashing only to self-destruct

Governance and economy a thickly veiled hogwash
Gutters for the poor and mansions for the posh

An existence resulting in a horde of dullards high on media’s incense
Satiating our swelt tongues with cocktails made of sex and violence

Look at the world you’ve been born into my dear little one
You’re now expected to take part in their degraded fun

The ego and arrogance of our kind and species now knows no bounds
Hypocrites showering love through neutering and spaying our beloved hounds

Look at how they all deem it necessary
To interfere with nature via debauchery

We are nothing more than viruses with shoes forced to play a part
Having missed the entire of point to live with a kind and gentle heart

I apologise dear innocent child, but here are your pair of shoes
To wear and be productive as one of them, drained of all hues

As we willingly keep descending into anarchy
Sophisticated barbarism has become our reality

Apex intellectual species?
I think not.

The Rising

I had travelled afar,

Slept under many a star

Through mountains, dungeons and caves,

Freeing dozens of tortured slaves

A true harbinger of peace,

Over all I shall have ruled with ease

In many a battle I had slaughtered and maimed,

For my just brutality over hills I am famed

All who would anger and oppose me,

By the tip of my blade would be set free

Such was my repertoire beyond countless days and starry nights,

Famed as a god I was, fabled and mythical were all my fights

But, today in this world of netherworldly rainbowed colours,

My soul paces with unease, twitching with feral fervours

For what I found in this world upon my arriving,

Intense and surreal was the rising

Circus of Realms

Hey! You there with the mask & cloak! You right there!
I see you’re going somewhere, may I ask you where?

To a goal fueled by ambition? You don’t say
Why? What’s wrong with your current stay?

The lights are getting dim, you’re stuck in a loop
And you’re unable to stimulate your mind in it’s coop?

Is it really all that bad a thing though?
To feed the machine and earn your dough?

It is you say? How very very strange
And that justifies your struggle for a change?

I see, carry on along your funway then
I won’t be a bother to your eternal when

I know you want out of this doo
I know a good place we can go to

Play a jump game of realms with me you sad mime
I’ll show you an extremely good untroubled time

Flights above
Crawls below
Brawls to the left
Peace on the right

Poor old brittle realm lady
Crumble to dust cascade-y

Circuses are meant to be mesmerizing – Watch mine

Bird Of Fire

A phoenix birthed from a charred heart
From the skies it flew down to play a part

It tought resilience through its choicest tears
Fanned the flames away off of all your fears

The orange wings spread in distance wide
Embracing the burnt-heart within it’s hyde

A life filled with perpetual neo-negativity
Will once again be cleansed with tenacity

A burning fire within fluctuates between strong and weak
A perseverance keeps resuscitating itself in a life that’s bleak

The Phoenix sheds it’s tears to foster this heart’s raging flame
The rejuvenated soul resumes to take part in your frivolous game

In stillness
In calmness
The heart beats again

The crucible of pain will always forge the strongest soul

The Single Drink

As I sit alone at dusk and have my first
A black liquid to quench my life’s thirst

I recall an existence filled with nothing but misanthropic void
An incomprehensible scribe to my future husband or bride

Are you now going to get lynched for swinging both ways?
I seem to care eitherway, since existence is a hypocritical haze

Your sexuality has never mattered to my wayward mind for it’s a bore
A formidable intellectual companion is all I have craved for forever more

In a pure relentless pursuit towards a peaceful vision of all my lives
A constant step forward away from all your dripping distrust-laden knives

Dive deep into the first black-red drink of many
A calculative future strategy with dread, uncanny

Behind the first now parched awaits a secondance
Ready to soothe this shoulder of absolute dependence

A welcome calm over the languid flames of my distant detached heart and soul
An Armenian pianist now sings blissfully into the ears of this abandoned black foal

When forever is to be continuous somehow
Eternity is a long time away from until now

As I sit alone late night and down this cure worthy single drink
I teeter and cross the edge of an elusive Niravana’s brink

Tried and pre-tested acceptable methods of being a part
Now prove false under the guidance of your rotten cart

Are you really listening to me my dear loving God
Probably not, you pure imaginary friend of a fraud

I now seek to liberate myself from all your predictable grids
To down this drink and try my best to foresee my life’s skids

As I share bits and pieces from my life’s cup
I keep expecting one of you shits to stand up

Only to be left without any answer
Happiness seems to be life’s cancer

The pursuit of which constantly results in an ever-rain upon your farm
I already know you wish to be set free from all of experience’s harm

Always level with the precious offsprings that you have hurled
Else as misfits they shall wreck havoc upon this superficial world

Await for my shit allegorically misjudged perfect painting – Freely
I now have to leave because I hear the Moonwolf – Seemingly

Inner Assassins

This is an article/short story written from the point of view of a sufferer of mental disorders in an attempt to create awareness about depression, insomnia,split personality, paranoia, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder and various other classifications.

“Hello. I’m writing this because I’m unable to organise my thoughts on the go and only because you really want to know what happens inside my head, instead of trying to predict my state of mind. I understand why you want to know, I mean no one is capable of predicting anybody’s state of mind. If it is of any comfort to you, for me to tell you what happens in my head, then I will. How you take it is not in my hands. I’m not too sure how I can explain it, but I will do my best.

On a regular day

I wake up. It’s morning. The first thoughts that usually come to my head are – “I haven’t died yet?/ Why am I still alive?/ Should I leave everything and go?/ Why am I like this?/ I hate myself/ I need to kill myself/ What good am I?/ What good is my existence to anyone?” (I’m going to name this T1). 

And then I get out of my bed exhausted. Even after a good night’s sleep. I need a smoke. Somewhere in the back of my head- “I need death” gets repeated until I put on some music to distract myself. I then get out and remember everything. Everything. All of it. All. Of. It. I’m filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I lose track of music and “T1” repeats again until I finish my smoke. Then I think about my day. I tell myself that I need to be with you through the day and mentally prepare myself for it, thinking to myself that I need to stay focused. Reminding myself that I need to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. T2 – “I love you a lot/You make me happy/You need me/ We are happy/ I really hope we make this work/I need to take care of you”. There’s a huge conflict of thoughts and emotions by this time. Everything inside shuts down and I feel nothing. One hour of my waking day.

I get back. Breakfast is ready. Food. I’m unable to stand the sight of it. Everybody’s rushing to get ready and leave. T3-“Always invisible to them/No one cares/I’m tired/I need sleep”. I’m asked something, I don’t know what it is because I’m unable to pay attention. Answer is an autopilot nod. “T1”. I get out again. Back to smoke. Except with a vehicle this time. A quicker pace towards Death. “T3” and “T1” on loop. I get back. I’m late. Get ready. Autopilot. Eat a bit. Leave.


At work

Nothing. No emotions. No thoughts. Autopilot. Converse. Smile. Fit in. Listen to you whenever we talk. Respond. Smile. Act the fool to see you smile as well. “T1” and “T2” on loop. Inner conflict after awhile. Everything shuts down again. Tired.

End of the day

Talk to you. Listen. Respond. Smile, try making you smile with me. “T1” and “T2”.
Get back to my sacred place. “T1”. “T3”. Loop.
Home-“T1” and “T3”. Look at my guitar, all of my books and my bed.T4-“Why am I not feeling anything?/I’m exhausted/I need help”.

Out to drink

Finally. A release. Happy amongst whoever is there to drink with me. First half hour-“T3” sets in. Next twenty minutes – “T4”. Keep smiling, paying attention,reacting and responding. Next half hour. Another emotional conflict. Everything inside shuts down. I excuse myself. Look at myself in the mirror. “Get back to normal. Fit in. Fit in”. I repeat this to myself in the mirror until I do calm down. I wash my face and look at myself again. “T3” and “T1”. Get out. Autopilot. If I’m with you then it’s “T2” and “T3”. Sometimes “T4” or “T1”. Alone in a crowded room filled with friends and familiar faces.

In an argument

Prove I’m right. Initially “T2”, “T4” and then “T3”. Prove I’m not wrong. All thoughts get mixed up. Muddled up. Messed up. I don’t know what to say. Anger. Disdain. Sorrow. Pain. T2. Respond. T2. Respond. “T4”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T2” and “T1”. No. Focus on “T2”. “T4” and “T3”. Focus. “T2”. Detach. Autopilot. T2,T4,T3,T1 and T0. All of it. Feel it. Lapse again into the ways of misery. Detach.

Back at home

“T1”. Dinner. Sleep.
“T0”- “Make a change, kill yourself/Find a way to detach from everybody/ Death”. T0 on loop till I fall asleep.

“Where are my pills? Where is the white one? Where is the pink one? Whatever happened to the green one? Where are all of you hiding?”

Fleeting shadows. Subliminal whispers. Visual and auditory hallucinations. Fear.

“What’s that sound? Is anybody there?! Come out! Fuck. Where are the tiny angels who keep me sane?”

“I need a refill.”

This is how it is in my head every waking moment. Even when I’m smiling at you or laughing with you I’m still thinking about Death. Suicide. Hate. Misery. Sorrow. Pain. I haven’t been able to describe it exactly as it happens in my head. You wanted to know how it was inside my head and I have tried my best to put them into words. The repetitions for “T1″,”T3” and “T4″ are far higher than what I’ve mentioned. I have never tried explaining how it is inside my head and this is the first time I have. But I will from now on atleast, never tell you I’m messed up. Apparently suffering from various mental health disorders is not an excuse. I will remember that until the day I die. It is sad. The free-er I feel around you, the more I open up to you. The more I trust you. Only to end up feeling like I’ll drag you into this mess. And then, you’ll resent me. Guess I really can’t be without my mask with anyone. I will be as I was with you before you got to know me. That way atleast, you’ll be happy.”

“It’s never too late to listen,

To hidden tears that glisten”

Weather Report

Pretense

Intense

Today’s weather report

The barricades deport

In Celsius a hundred degrees

A predestined summit varies

Much cloudy they say

Unhidden is still the way

A relentless rain pouring

An unhinged mind soaring

A cool bright light, swaying snowfall

Experiences cause not our downfall

Rivers and oceans, a constant tide

A visual intake, our hearts open wide

Pretense

Intense

Today’s weather report

Inner barricades deport

Dreams Of Death

Reality please take away my last breath,
Nurture it’s dreams,it’s dreams of death

Horrors in my mind,they haunt me,
Unmatched is my insanity,it taunts me

Do I live till I feel my life fullfilling?
Or do I yield to Death’s peaceful calling?

Weightless is my mind,uncontrolled are my thoughts,
Heavy and torn is my heart,fragmented are all its parts

Every night I slip into my dreams,my dreams of death,
Alone in my mind, I’ve come to lose all my faith

All night I walk alone down this empty winding path,
Searching for the right place to plant my weathered epitaph

Forever following an ever shining bright light,
Forever escaping insanity’s dark and bitter might

Far too long have I waited in this world of mine,
For Death to fly by and make this pain fine

As I sit in my world on this crumbled throne of mine,
I look around and see the beauty of my own shattered mind

Enormous flames and rigid snow storms side by side,
Darkness looms over my land with it’s unparalleled pride

The ground is barren,cracked and broken,
No other souls are present here,no words are ever spoken

Dead and wilted trees adorn my mind’s beautiful landscape,
No…no way out of this place,there is no known escape

Washed and rained is this beautiful,majestic place,
With the lines of the years gone by on my face

Mighty,unheralded rainbow cosmic colours flood my own mind’s land,
The cause in it’s creation has been the absence of your worlds divine hand

Majestic is my wrecked mind,
Come into it and you will find,
Nothing but death,pain and misery,
My tired eyes burning with a detached  fury

Eventually,everything will turn black,
Time will take it’s toll and bend my back

As I plunge down deeper into my dreams,my dreams of death,
I smile as I finally take in one final breath,my final breath

I Will Be One

And I rushed into the pale dark room,

Candles were black and lit, melting

Each drop falling with an atomic boom,

Onto the cool gray stone, the wax continued it’s pelting

 

They told me, they had told me!

-“Another is gone!”

-“Who is it this time?”

I asked, panic setting in

-“A frail soul,one too frail to mention”

They replied, emotionless within

 

Sensation!

Libation!

In the name of a thousand gods!

 

Celebration!

Circulation!

Death is only a shade for the mortals!

 

Soul searching,

Demons lurking

 

I look at the body,all raiment in black,

The fabric of life and death in a chaotic crack

And I am surprised to see!

My face plastered where it’s ought to be!

 

 

And then I turned back

and felt my reflection lack,

In the mirror beside

the Reaper’s hide

 

-“Wow!”

I said aloud

-“I’m dead!”

I said aloud

 

And all around me,the new evolved kinds,

They stared at me with their vivid minds

And welcomed me into their blackened slimy visions,

To draw visions into life’s mine and to rejoice in it’s malformed incisions

 

Of babies bathing in soot,comfort in their ember,half-burnt and crisp

Rickets and scurvy,a fine combination, disintegrating into a smoky wisp

At such a tender age they seem so happy unaware,

Look at them smile and laugh, burning away without a care

 

Those fair little creatures know nothing of reality,

Blind still to it’s unjust ways and plain brutality

Eating each others souls and having a hearty time,

Eventually growing up to tune their joy into a painful rhyme

 

I black out this vision before me with the power of the sun,

Visions are for immortals and I will be one